There's a lot I need to say, I need to talk about, and I can't. Not here, not with really anyone. That's not an awful thing, I just need to acknowledge that I am holding a lot, on a lot of different fronts.
This is how this process will go - whichever process I'm in:
Excitement, alarm, refusal, assurance, clarity, calm.
Rinse. Repeat. For everything.
The thing that I take from this, these large grand movements going on in so many different realms, is that I trust me. I trust me to know what I want, what I need. I trust me to say what I see, to state what I know, with kindness and clarity. I may not feel it as I write, but I see it afterwards. No matter how chaotic, I have abiding deep trust in myself. As I always have.
What is fascinating is that I can write - "as I always have." That the core of me has not changed, though it was lost for quite some time.
I began reading a book this morning - Wild, by Cheryl Strayed.* I'd been searching for words, a way to describe what is me these days, what is happening, what it is - see I can't do it even now. But I open this book, and I read these words:
It was a world I'd never been to and yet had known was there all along,
one I'd staggered to in sorrow and confusion and fear and hope.
A world I thought would both make me into the woman I knew
I could become and turn me back into the girl I'd once been.
And that is it exactly. I can't even tell you why, and I don't need to. Doing the things I am doing now, the possibilities and openings, it is a way both back and forward, a way to leave the life that has been and come closer to it, all at the same time, and by the same way. I trust me, and that hasn't changed.
*reading the author notes today, I find... where does she live? I see. Of course she does.