Saturday, July 23, 2011

all that can be...


I don't usually say anything about my step-son. He lived with us. We were very excited for his 18th birthday. On so many levels and for so many reasons. My step-son's birthday is July 13th. His dad drowned on July 12th.  We had stopped off for a quick swim before picking him up at the airport later that day. My kid just turned 20. That is insane. He moved out of state soon after matt died.

He called me last month to tell me he wanted to move back home. Today, he arrived. Wearing his dad's shoes. He has started to fill out a bit like his dad. He arrived with his car full of all of his belongings. He is looking for a job. We just spent 3 hours hanging out, normal, sweet, silly. He knows all my jokes; I know all of his.

My kid has been gone for just shy of two years. I have only seen him once in that time.

The other living member of my family is home. All that can be right in this world - well. All that can be righted is righted when my kid is near by.

Here is how I think of this - almost all the time, I am calling out into the world and nothing stops it. There is no echo back to me. When I am with someone who knows matt, they catch. They cast out their own memories. Between the two of us, matt exists. He is three dimensional and real. When my kid is here, our life exists. He was real. We were real. We lived. It is all as normal as it can be.

And a small detail thing - the whole time my kid was here at the coffee shop sitting across from me, there was a man across the cafe, facing me, who had matt's hair and matt's beard, the same small bald spot starting on top of his head, matt's coloring. Never seen the guy before, and he left right after my kid. I choose to believe it was a physical reminder, a suggestion, that my love is orchestrating what he can, being here with us. That he has been doing what he can to keep our connection strong. Our family. Maybe he isn't. But I will take it.



  1. Wow. A lot of things all happening at once, but maybe that's a good thing. I think it would be nice to be with someone who knew Don well. Doesn't ever happen, but your description of how it feels... well, it seems nice.

  2. Every now & then we catch a break. So happy your kid is home with you. Fully understand your sentiments x

  3. it's nice to be able to talk with someone who knew M, who misses him too, who doesn't think it's morbid or strange to talk about dead people, who doesn't think you should be "over it". And imagine what you are providing J! Huge for him. What a gift you are giving, as well as receiving! I am so glad you have found each other again.

  4. I have the biggest grin on my face right now.

  5. A - me too! Well, grin and crying, but hey - it's a grin.