Well. In case anyone is burningly curious about whether I have run into the man from the earlier post, yes. I did. Today. Today has been one of those days where I am just sad. Just sad, without rage or irritability or anything else. Just sadness, heavy and pure. The dog and I spent most of the day outside so he could chase rocks and I could transplant things, leaving the garden intermittently to shove the broody chicken off the infertile eggs. I wanted a coffee. Well. I didn't. I have another cold, and I wanted to go back to bed. But I also needed to do a few errands, and wanted a coffee first, to get through them. I am so heavy with sad today, I didn't want to take the chance of running into anyone who might want to talk to me, so I waited until late afternoon to go. The place was nearly empty. I sat, drank my coffee, read my book.
Guy from last week came in and sat down. This time, I didn't feel awkward. I felt calm. And sad. I wondered if it showed. I wondered if he was the kind of person who would notice. What was different for me this time was that I felt more prepared, more familiar with how it felt to leave big gaps in my side of the "information." With the weight of sad on me so clear today, I felt more tender towards myself, I guess. We talked for a bit, mostly he talked. I knew he was flirting. I stepped over whatever he laid down. As Matt and I used to say, it's not that I don't recognize the social cues, it's just that I don't care to acknowledge them.
After I left and did my errands, I kept imagining all the questions that could be asked, by him or anyone, and how I might answer them. Last week, that completely messed me up and made me panic. Today, I know that I am practicing. Practicing, in my mind, and with people who don't know me yet, how I answer things. How I share who I am, how I say hello. Not just in love. That may not be part of my road again this time around. But how I greet anyone. The panic gave me a bit of an opportunity to remind myself to slow down a bit, to trust myself.
So. No panic. Just watching. Just noticing. Calm. Still sad.