Saturday, May 21, 2011


I don't know if he'd heard this song. I think he would have had me listen, if he had. I heard it on the radio the other day. At first, just the guitar picking - made me hear him again, made me hear his fingers on the strings, hear his voice. And then vedder's voice - I swear, though matt would vehemently disagree, those two are voice brothers. If there were a theme song for my love, in himself, it would be this.

For me, these days, I seem to be living firmly in HOLY SHIT land. As in - he was just here, solid, actual, real. And that a man so solid, tangible, real is just suddenly gone. Holy Shit. Incredulous. Unbelievable. My mind smacks into it again and again. That cannot be real. Either he never was, or he is coming home soon (and cleary, I've gone crazy to think that he's gone). That he was AND he is gone, I'm sorry. That is just f-ing NUTS. Holy Shit Land. That is where I live. It's crazyland that I have to accept as reality. Solid and here, and disappeared.



  1. I love that song. Never heard it before. A lot of the lyrics made me I don't know ... really listen and understand stuff ... can't find the words.

    I am in holyshitland too. Well, at least I am aware of that fact when I am slapped into remembering it every now and again.

    Love to you

  2. I love eddie vedder.
    .... and I sometimes wonder if those "holy shit" days are ones that follow a lot of dreaming .... because he *literally* was just talking to me in my dream and now he's really gone and it doesn't make sense at all.

  3. A - I look at photos of him, so solid, and just think - not possible. This is not possible. Or I hear him and feel him in my dreams or meditations, open my eyes and need to remind myself he is gone. If that is not crazy-making -