Observed mysore-style yoga practice today. Watched a man move through a series of arm balances, and had matt flash through my mind. He was so amazing to watch move. Lost it, watching this other person move, and matt not here anymore. And, it was nice to see him do those sequences again, to see him move again. And it sucked.
I hesitate to do anything that might make me have to be here a long time, or increase my odds of longevity. Matt was in awesome shape. His physical practice was important while he was here, but it didn't predict a future. You go when you go. So there is that. Awhile ago, I heard a preacher on the radio saying how only god says how long we will be here. You don't exercise to prolong your life; your longevity is none of your business. You exercise to be the best channel, the best vessel, for god you can be.
I've been avoiding running and yoga because - what if I clean up my vessel, and my core is still not there. If my "before" methods of connecting don't help, man, then I am screwed. No - honest truth, I am afraid I will make my channel clear, and my connection with matt won't be there. I'll get all strong and healthy and I won't feel him more clearly, and he will really be gone. Sh*t. Well now, that is odd to say in such a public space, but there it is, and I am going to leave it. I am considering committing to this yoga practice - a minimum of three times a week, two hour sessions, for at least a month. That is what the studio requires. The physical challenge, I can do. It's all the rest of it. It's an experiment. I think I am okay with it, as long as I'm not inadvertently prolonging my time here by doing it. What I've got right now is - my channel is definitely clogged and stormy. I can try cleaning it up a little and see what happens. Afraid to lose more, but should probably try anyway. Clogged up vessel = pretty small chance of connection with anything; cleaned up vessel = ???