Observed mysore-style yoga practice today. Watched a man move through a series of arm balances, and had matt flash through my mind. He was so amazing to watch move. Lost it, watching this other person move, and matt not here anymore. And, it was nice to see him do those sequences again, to see him move again. And it sucked.
I hesitate to do anything that might make me have to be here a long time, or increase my odds of longevity. Matt was in awesome shape. His physical practice was important while he was here, but it didn't predict a future. You go when you go. So there is that. Awhile ago, I heard a preacher on the radio saying how only god says how long we will be here. You don't exercise to prolong your life; your longevity is none of your business. You exercise to be the best channel, the best vessel, for god you can be.
I've been avoiding running and yoga because - what if I clean up my vessel, and my core is still not there. If my "before" methods of connecting don't help, man, then I am screwed. No - honest truth, I am afraid I will make my channel clear, and my connection with matt won't be there. I'll get all strong and healthy and I won't feel him more clearly, and he will really be gone. Sh*t. Well now, that is odd to say in such a public space, but there it is, and I am going to leave it. I am considering committing to this yoga practice - a minimum of three times a week, two hour sessions, for at least a month. That is what the studio requires. The physical challenge, I can do. It's all the rest of it. It's an experiment. I think I am okay with it, as long as I'm not inadvertently prolonging my time here by doing it. What I've got right now is - my channel is definitely clogged and stormy. I can try cleaning it up a little and see what happens. Afraid to lose more, but should probably try anyway. Clogged up vessel = pretty small chance of connection with anything; cleaned up vessel = ???
I hesitate to do anything that might make me have to be here a long time, or increase my odds of longevity.
ReplyDeleteInteresting that you should mention this. I had surgery about a year before Don died. My surgeon wanted me to come back for a couple of more biopsies and also a bit more surgery - more than I was willing to okay at the time. I told him I'd come back in about 6 months. In that time, Don was diagnosed with cancer. I never did go back in spite of the surgeon's office calling to leave phone messages. I took off out west for the first time and heard them the next spring when I got back home. I never called back and no longer have that phone number as I sold my farm. I don't really ever worry about the warnings I had from the surgeon about watchful waiting, etc... Really, it's more like, "yeah, like I give a damn." But I sort of take care of myself - I try not to fall of a ladder here at the house because my dogs need me. Beyond that. Not much. What does that say about how I think about life now? I'll let you be the judge.
Yeah - I still remember dan's post from months ago - if a piano was falling towards my head, I would not rush to get out of its way. I hate that I feel like that. I really liked this world. I'd like to get to a place where I can say "nothing matters, nothing is about my will" and say it with real love and peace in me. Matt was like that. I was like that - before. Now, not so much. And that there spiral of annoyance begins again.
ReplyDeleteI think we just learn that life will have what she will have. All you can do is align with it, and be true to yourself. I mean, life and I had a nice collaboration, before. As I've said before, I don't know how, of if, that applies so much anymore.
re-reading this post later last night, it sounded so ridiculous ~ to be afraid of yoga. So that's good. Ridiculous postings pointing out a bit of ridiculousness to myself.
Well, I can tell you one thing that has come out of the "not caring about myself too much" part and that is that I think it has helped me in my travels. Before, I would have been listening to the "Be careful out there!" from Don and my mom. Now, I just travel around without much concern for myself. I'm basically a free agent - I do whatever feels interesting and figure that, if things start going wrong, I'll just deal with it. There is a certain freedom that comes with not really giving a sh*t about yourself anymore.
ReplyDeleteTrue dat.
ReplyDeleteMatt lived like that anyway - more of "I trust my skills, I don't make stupid choices, and if I am going to die doing something I love, well then, I'm going to die. Nothing I can do about it, and I'm not going to be afraid of life."
Yes. And he did. Die doing something he loved. Neither of us had a flicker of a warning about any dangerousness going on. When I catch myself being - apprehensive about something, like walking the dog after midnight in places with no street lights, it does make me laugh at myself. Those two thoughts standing next to each other: You have no control over death and would mostly just like to get out of here AND try to avoid those not exactly "safe" parts of town.