Friday, August 20, 2010

odd morning (though, for me, not really)

bo and I were at the beach. I was picking up precisely carved heart rocks. buff young man came onto the beach, and I noticed, because I am always noticing how no one is built like matt, and looking for flashes of his musculature in anyone elses'. Laughing with and to matt about all this, how if anyone looked, they'd think I was checking the guy out, but in truth, I was checking matt out, via this other physical form. The young man laid down on his towel and read his book. bo chased the ball, and I picked up rocks. A little later, the man smiled at me, and I don't even remember now what he said, but it turned into him asking me something, and I then asked what he was reading - the bible (a military field copy, at that). Interesting.

Then he asked, "would you like some company? Would you like to talk a bit?" And I was cracking up inside, this inside joke between matt and I in that moment. I crouched down next to the guy, and he said: "What is love?" Seriously. I told him I had no answer to that. He then went on for a very long time about love, mostly giving examples of what it isn't, trying to teach about what love really is. He did have a couple of good things to say, hidden in there. The whole time, I am having a conversation with matt about how odd this is, watching our dog swim, waiting for this kid to get to his point. His whole - speech - really had nothing to do with love as I know it, and I kept waiting for him to notice he wasn't exactly reaching his audience! I know he meant it all to connect with god and truth and all, but his message got a little lost. He was enthusiastic, and I'm a good listener, so he went on. Anyway. I was getting both bored and restless, and so was boris - used to having my undivided attention, and not getting it.

I stood up. The young man stood up, and said, "so are you married?" I told him. He barely touched my shoulder - and didn't say anything. He wasn't uncomfortable, just quiet. Then he spoke a little bit about being in Iraq, and what he had seen. Then, he touched my arm again to turn me towards him, and gave me this fierce, incredible hug. Calm, strong, completely rooted, solid. Holy cow. In that moment, I just felt how fiercely matt would hold on to me, how solid, in those beautiful, powerful arms. How fiercely he would hold on to me RIGHT NOW if he could. And I was laughing and crying (inside myself, not on this stranger) and saying to matt - "you found a way, didn't you. You found a way, this morning, to hold on to me." The kid would NOT let go. I went to shift away, and he held on, and said, "I will stand here as long as you need." Oh my god, how much I wanted to stay there, to pretend it was him, to be held on to.

However, boris does not stand around, and the kid is not matt. I let go. The kid started talking about war again, said just a little about god, and about jesus, quoting one of my favorite bible passages (disclaimer - one of the few I actually know). Nice. Precise stuff, this. Anyway, I also had a pretty good guess by now the kid was also hitting on me, but what the heck. He offered to walk with us on our morning loop around the parking lot, and his hitting on got more clear. Like the "long con" - working up to it. He shared quite a bit about himself - oh, such a young kid with a lot of young kid... stuff, and I was quite ready to go when we got back to the parking lot.

That was my morning. I have really wanted something too-precise-to-be-random to happen again, outside of myself, out in this physical world, something I could not possibly have created or conjured. Random invitations to talk about love, and being fiercely, fiercely held on to - not a fair trade at all, but so very very nice.  A bit weird to tell - I don't have a sense yet of what I want to share and don't, but these - tangible evidences of love touching down and being close - I like to hear them myself.


  1. Sounds like an interesting morning, odd though it may have been. I never seem to run into the thoughtful, kind type of guys. No. If I sit or wander around, I seem to attract the raving lunatic Doc Emmett Brown (Back to the Future) types who want to expound about UFOs and alien abductions, or convert me to some bizarro religion. That's where the dogs come in handy. (o:

  2. mmm. It had shades of that. The long rant on love was - long and ranting, and I'm sure meant to convert and make one think deeply, though his starting point was nowhere in my reality. In the end, he shared that he had left his wife because she chose to become a porn star, and then later, that he himself did some "exotic dancing, on the side." Right. This would be one of those occasions where matt would point out the seeming disconnect between one's actions and one's professed search for god. :)

  3. Ha! One of those "like imitates art" stories that sounds too out there to be true. I've seen more than a few of those during my couple of years of traveling around. Speaking of traveling - probably another 4 weeks here and then hopefully, the dogs and I will be on the road for autumn. I am thinking of traveling down the Oregon and n. California coasts this year if the weather is good. It's always such a crap-shoot whether it will be or not once you get into October in the west. Last autumn was kind of a bust - a lot of cold, windy weather. I'm hoping the trend will be different this year!

  4. oops - as you already know that should be "life imitates art"!!

  5. we went cross country in november of 2006 - smack into a country-wide cold front. 8 degrees on the WY./UT. border. We ended up sleeping in the car - he made me get up at 2 am, stuck me in the car with the heater going. No more tent camping that trip. Even Florida was cold that year, 26 degrees in the panhandle.

  6. my first thought, before finishing the story, was Is He Tripping? kinda heavy for a stranger on the beach.
    second thought, nice to have the Telling not cause instant flinching and uncomfortable silence, wherein you are somehow supposed to make the other person not feel bad. As if. I don't ever capitulate into that scene, but can see how it is expected...leading to even more awkward silences. Sorry, people.
    And 3rd, how fantastic of matt to have found a way to give you a real good solid hug. Yes that is my story and i'm sticking to it.

    I am really missing the old everyday abundance of touch these days. Can't really see an appropriate solution to this. Yes, massage, fine, and friends' warm hugs, great, but, you all know....not the same. And the obvious solution: just not gonna happen. For a long long time.

  7. haha, my captcha word was "reenter"
    oh dear

  8. lordy, on your word.
    Yeah - as soon as I saw the bible, and he started talking, I realized - quite comfortably - that he was just a young man looking to sermonize. He was clean cut, harmless, all that. Funny though, once I said I was widowed, and said something about god, he said, "well, I am not here to preach to you."
    I am definitely going with matt finding a way to give me a solid hug, a holding, like that. I knew it when it happened. I did rather wonder a bit of huh? Why this irrelevant rant? Whilst the kid was going on and on, but I suppose situations are not always entirely manipulate-able; only parts specifically tailored.

  9. and, it was after his rant - after I had clearly signaled my done-ness with listening to his rant, that he asked if I was married. I figure - eh. What do I know.

  10. we went cross country in november of 2006 - smack into a country-wide cold front. 8 degrees on the WY./UT. border.

    Funny, I was in the west the same year and had a crazy time with cold weather while traveling with a photographer friend in the Steens Mountains region of south-central Oregon. We really had the ugliest weather I've seen in the west - got soaked out on the Mendocino coast in sleeping bags under a tarp. Interesting part was that Don flew out to meet up with me in early November and we tripped around the redwoods and some other places I'd been through a couple of weeks before and the weather truly could not have been nicer - for which I'm glad as that was Don's one and only trip to the PNW. Glad it was under warm, sunny skies.

  11. I loved this post. And, like you, completely believe that he came through for you <3