No one has tried to pretty this up for me in a long time (mostly because I avoid people and situations where it would likely happen), but Dan's post got me feeling like venting a wee. That, and seeing an old acquaintance yesterday who asked what most peoples' reactions were to me, to this, and was rather shocked when I related some of the things said.
Anything to get someone out of the moment they're in. From the "it happened for a reason," "at least you had the time you had," "at least you HAD great love. Some of us never had that," to the "you'll get better," you'll get better you'll get better you'll get better, you are strong and glorious, you'll survive this.... For christ sake, let shit be shit. That any of us may eventually have some beauty or peace in this life that got destroyed is absolutely irrelevant to NOW.
I may, someday, have cool titanium cheetah prosthetic running "legs," but it will always SUCK that I don't have my own legs anymore.
(not to offend anyone with double amputations, a situation I know nothing about.)
Amen right back to you. It feels good to vent. I am constantly having to tell my family members that yes I was lucky to have Michael, and yes, I appreciate what I had, but what does that have to do with losing him? I just want to scream at them to say, well, if your feeling so lucky, maybe you will be ready to lose your spouse tomorrow! Then let me know how lucky you feel.
ReplyDeleteMy family was saying such things, and now they do not. Not sure why - I must have ripped into one of them at one point. by the time their neighbor, the goat-raising minister, made her comments, they had joined me in being aghast at peoples' idiocy. (said story - it's "ask, don't tell" on my fb notes page, if you are rambling around online).
ReplyDeleteSeems to be the ones spouting off on "well, now you get to know what is really important," or "you must have something to learn" that I so very much want to smack. Really? so I DIDN'T know what was important before? And everyone who has NOT lived this obviously does not need to "learn something"? People just don't realize what they are actually saying when they say what they say. This backwards shaming thing. All variants on you should not feel what you feel, or that you somehow "needed" it.
I still would like the superpower by which I put my hand on someones' arm, and they feel everything I am feeling and experiencing. (like the main character, in the deer hunting scene, in the movie Powder) Just for a moment. Carry this, just for one minute, then open your mouth.
That would clear up a lot.
Oh, the "lucky" part is what p*sses me off quite often. Because I travel, I get the "You're so LUCK-EEEEEE!" crap from just about everyone. No, I don't consider this lucky at all. Lucky would have been Don getting to retire in 2008, and us moving here to Nova Scotia together, and being able to fix up a house together, go canoeing and hiking, and live to be a couple of old farts. Instead, yeah, I travel all over, but mainly because I can't tolerate staying in one place anymore. I guess the *only* lucky part in any of that has to do with having a farm to sell, and that I have such frugal habits, that I can probably wander around into infinity should I so choose. None of that compensates me in any way for what I have lost. Not now. Not ever.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, but in the early days the real-life cheerleading that I always found hardest to deal with was done by other widows. I just wanted to scream at them that that was them, and this was me. They didn't know R so how could they possibly understand and empathise with how I felt. I guess I have moved on a little from that attitude since then!
ReplyDeleteI always had a lot more sympathy for the people floundering around trying to say the right thing. Possibly because I remember being that dumb klutz with our friend Tim's widow ten years ago, knowing that I failed dismally at saying the right thing - not knowing at the time that there isn't a 'right thing' to say. To be honest I don't, and probably never have much listened to the words people actually spoke to me - I could tell that the sentiment behind it was genuine and honest, and that was enough.
Doesn't stop me wanting to have a good vent every now and again though!
So true!
ReplyDelete"For Christ sake, let shit be shit." That made me laugh out loud. I couldn't love your writing any more than I do. You're brilliant. x
ReplyDeleteand your comment gave me the first real actual laugh of the day. Well, of the week. No easy feat. Thank you.
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