Tuesday, January 11, 2011

too much

there's a lot of flooding and drowning going on in the world right now, and it is too much for me. I'm hiding my head in the sand as much as I can (though I feel like a bit of a lout for not being present to it). I also made the mistake of reading about the tuscon shootings, and my mind went immediately to all the new widows, and what those first moments are like. This week is also the 1 year and six month mark. I am rather losing what is left of my mind. As I was leaving the farm, the older farmer I work with gave me a long, sweet hug yesterday (prompted by nothing other than when I got there, he asked how I was, and I just shrugged, and went about my chores). I had to make him stop, because if he kept up holding on to me I would not have been able to drive home. There is no one really to hold onto me, in this - how insanely stupid is that. The most hideously horrible painful experience in this life, and the one I need to hold on to me is gone. As it was, I made it home without intentionally crashing by reminding myself that I didn't want to accidentally take anyone else out with me. I also found out that I don't have health insurance any more, which caused issues in some other things  - just adding things on my to-do list that require my being a grown-up, and advocating for myself, and all sorts of things my trauma-addled being just no longer has a capacity for. I pushed myself too far with making phone calls and fixing things and even trying to explore things that might possibly be to my own benefit. I can't sit still, and I can't take action. Nice. Lovely. I looked at a few photos of matt yesterday, and that did me in, too. That I can't bear to see photos of the man I love is extra super excruciating.

Anyway. That's it.


  1. oh Megan, I'm sorry you are feeling such pain now. You are so right about the irony of the fact that the only person who can make it right and help you through this cannot. There is a song that for me sums up this feeling (sometimes I can sing along, sometimes I can't listen to it on the CD in my car and have to fast forward it ... and sometimes I listen to it and howl) - here it is:


    I wish I could come sit by you for a while M


  2. "I can't sit still, and I can't take action."
    Oh yes.

  3. I also feel like I have over exerted myself trying to be "adult" and now I am paying for it. Why is that my better times are followed by my worst times?

    I think it is ok to avoid the news, you have to handle enough that you don't have to torture yourself in addition.

  4. I had the same reaction to the news from Tucson - in fact, that was almost the first thing that came to mind. It's close to me here, so it's on everyone's mind, including mine. Hard.

    Last year, when I was traveling with a friend, he said he couldn't help but think that it was me driving and that he used to wonder if I would turn off a winding road and take us and my dogs down some talus slope in the Sierras - but I told him I would never take out anyone besides me. I suppose that is what has kept me going -- these dogs.

    Still, it is hard to come home to no one. Two years and four months and I still think that. As for being an adult and making yourself do things - well, you know, stuff just happens when you get to it. That's all there is to it. The buck stops with us, and if we aren't feeling able to straighten out a problem, well, what the hell (shrugs). Just take care of it when you're good and ready (my motto).

    take care.

  5. That's it.

    "That's it?"

    Megan, you, we, are going through such a difficult period in our lives. Everything you write about here is so true. There has been so many nights, and days, that I find myself folded over in tears, and asking why I was left to feel this all alone. It never does me any good to start asking these questions, as I will never be satisfied with the answer. I try not to be angry at God, but he/she has been on my shit list for quite some time. I take it all so personally.

    I guess I want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings, and not alone in wishing it all could somehow just come to an end.

    Been there. Done that. Back there again.

    Love to you.


  6. Megan, in all of our tragedy here in Queensland, my thoughts did turn to you and hoped you had not seen the news.
    It has completely gutted me too, and yet I can't look away .... I mean I CAN'T look away as these are my people, my town!

    and I'll make a deal with you... I won't intentionally crash if you don't. OK?

    Love you.

  7. Being the grown-up all the time just sucks.
    I am still waiting for my hero to come back and rescue me from all this too.

  8. Megan, just checking in on you xx