there's a lot of flooding and drowning going on in the world right now, and it is too much for me. I'm hiding my head in the sand as much as I can (though I feel like a bit of a lout for not being present to it). I also made the mistake of reading about the tuscon shootings, and my mind went immediately to all the new widows, and what those first moments are like. This week is also the 1 year and six month mark. I am rather losing what is left of my mind. As I was leaving the farm, the older farmer I work with gave me a long, sweet hug yesterday (prompted by nothing other than when I got there, he asked how I was, and I just shrugged, and went about my chores). I had to make him stop, because if he kept up holding on to me I would not have been able to drive home. There is no one really to hold onto me, in this - how insanely stupid is that. The most hideously horrible painful experience in this life, and the one I need to hold on to me is gone. As it was, I made it home without intentionally crashing by reminding myself that I didn't want to accidentally take anyone else out with me. I also found out that I don't have health insurance any more, which caused issues in some other things - just adding things on my to-do list that require my being a grown-up, and advocating for myself, and all sorts of things my trauma-addled being just no longer has a capacity for. I pushed myself too far with making phone calls and fixing things and even trying to explore things that might possibly be to my own benefit. I can't sit still, and I can't take action. Nice. Lovely. I looked at a few photos of matt yesterday, and that did me in, too. That I can't bear to see photos of the man I love is extra super excruciating.
Anyway. That's it.