Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I just cannot cannot stop crying.
I have been quite sick, so there is that. And being responsible
for other peoples' animals - so there is that, being outside of my routine
and away from my cocoon. It has been a long couple of weeks of depletion.
But I just cannot stop crying. Cannot stop, today, feeling like
I have failed and am failing - failed to notice when he needed help, failed to
save him or stop it from happening, and failing now, in not - doing something or somehow
or whatever. All I know is I feel like a horrible failure to god and to love and to matt and to me
and I just cannot stop crying today.

Our dog and I are going to camp out at the farm tonight in case there is a lot of snow. A kindness to myself so I don't need to stress out if my landlord hasn't plowed the driveway in the morning by the time I need to go feed the animals. Just sleep there, and be done with trying to get there. It will be couch sleeping, but still. Certainly slept on my own couch more nights than not.

That I am online so much is adding to my surreal sense of life right now. An overnight without internet access is probably a good thing. Just going to be away from the computer for a bit - maybe just a day, maybe many. Maybe none at all. Clearly, I don't know anything at the moment.


  1. megan - Please don't feel like you are a failure. There is nothing you could have done to have prevented the things that happened. Unfortunately, we can waste a lot of our precious energy and emotions wondering if there was something more we could have done -- why we didn't see something before it happened, etc... I have a few things that I feel like kicking myself in the ass over -- having to do with air quality issues at my husband's workplace in the years before I became ill, but there's now no percentage in persecuting myself for not knowing more, or not doing more. Unfortunately, events in our lives are often well beyond our control and filled with woulda-coulda-shouldas. We are not experts at this thing called life. There is no instruction manual that tells us what to do in each situation. We just do the best we can -- and I know you have been doing that all along, so try not to be too hard on yourself.

    Maybe an overnight stay at the farm will be good. My own experience has been that sometimes just getting out of my "cocoon" can be good for me and helps me to see things differently. Of course, I tend not just to leave my cocoon, but set fire to the branch it is attached to, but that's just me -- you don't have to be quite that radical. (o:

    take care. have a good night "away", okay?

  2. oops.. that should be "in the years before HE became ill"

  3. Megan, I have been through what you have said recently. I think that for a long time I missed Cliff, cried, grieved deeply ... but then I really understood just what I had lost and it led to the feelings that you describe in this post. I actually despised myself, hated myself for the first time in my life. I don't use the word "hate" or "hatred" lightly. It is not a good place to be.

    I'm glad you are thinking about how to not stress about one extra thing (the snow). Listen to your intuition and your heart. Think, reflect and howl as hard as you can. Sometimes you just have to do this on a primal level.

    I know that your heart will eventually believe your mind (about the fact that you are NOT at fault), but unfortunately ... for now, think of your heart as being a teenager who won't listen to jack-shit that the mind has to say. And howl some more, just breathe. We are here for you. I send you love x

  4. Megan, I just want to give you a big fat hug right now.
    Remember that if the body is sick, the mind follows, so no wonder you are feeling down.
    ....and remember that you are loved.

  5. I just got to my computer, and I'm glad I am online tonight. I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. It is a horrible feeling, all the self doubt, all the anger, anguish, frustration and grief. Take a deep breath Megan.

    Death is so beyond us. That is why our lives were thrown into disaray when we lost them. Trying to make sense of it all, and trying to find something you could have, should have, done will only lead to more grief unfortunately.

    He loved you, and you loved him in return. He was taken far too soon. Your heart is broken. His heart would be broken for you.

    Let his love carry you through this.

    Let our love help you feel less alone.

    Love. Dan

  6. You are all making me cry now, my people, the ones who know HOW MUCH THIS SUCKS. Megan, I love you. I don't know if there is anything I can do to help-probably not - but I am here and wish I could give you a big teary snotty hug right now. Just hold on, sweetheart. Your body is so depleted; of course you can't function. Can I make you some chicken soup? Call me...if you want.

  7. Bless you Megan. My heart breaks for you reading your words. I don't have any words that will make you feel better, but I wish I did.
    Cry, my dear, until you run out of tears for now. Take a little pride in your care and responsibility for those animals that can't help themselves. Then please come home to rest and keep warm and recover at least physically.