I just cannot cannot stop crying.
I have been quite sick, so there is that. And being responsible
for other peoples' animals - so there is that, being outside of my routine
and away from my cocoon. It has been a long couple of weeks of depletion.
But I just cannot stop crying. Cannot stop, today, feeling like
I have failed and am failing - failed to notice when he needed help, failed to
save him or stop it from happening, and failing now, in not - doing something or somehow
or whatever. All I know is I feel like a horrible failure to god and to love and to matt and to me
and I just cannot stop crying today.
Our dog and I are going to camp out at the farm tonight in case there is a lot of snow. A kindness to myself so I don't need to stress out if my landlord hasn't plowed the driveway in the morning by the time I need to go feed the animals. Just sleep there, and be done with trying to get there. It will be couch sleeping, but still. Certainly slept on my own couch more nights than not.
That I am online so much is adding to my surreal sense of life right now. An overnight without internet access is probably a good thing. Just going to be away from the computer for a bit - maybe just a day, maybe many. Maybe none at all. Clearly, I don't know anything at the moment.