2

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The actual calendar date may be in two days, but two years ago today, this day, there were approximately 2 hours left of your life. Of our life.




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FFS.

I didn't sleep well. I am tired. I spent 5 hours last night teaching people how to make jam, and learned this morning that none of it set. I've been making jam since I was a kid, and this is the first time it didn't work. I told everyone I would redo all of it. I went out to check on the chickens (after waiting for the yard sale people to leave the yard). My "non-broody" breed of chicken is broody for the millionth time. I leaned in to poke at her, and another chicken freaked out, jumped on my head, and flew out the door. I live in the city. Chickens are not free-range. Right at this time, my landlord's friend showed up, so he couldn't help herd the chicken back to the coop. Small child started thrashing around, driving the chicken further away. Nice. I came in and tried to sleep. No. Heard chicken in the woods next to the house. Fell several times looking for the blasted thing. Finally saw it in my neighbor's yard - neighbor who is grouchy and curmudgeonly and is pissed we even have chickens. Nice. Meanwhile, my landlord is now in the woods trying to help, while I am falling down in the hidden woodchuck holes and tripping through downed tree limbs. He thinks this is hysterical. The whole time, his 5 year old son is screaming and crying I LOST MY DAD! I LOST MY DAD! SOMEBODY HELP! I LOST MY DAD. The neighbors are crabby, the chicken cannot be found, I am falling down in pricker-bushes, the landlord is laughing, and the child is screaming.

And this is the last night Matt and I were home together, making dinner, right about now. Two years ago right now. This is year two weekend, and I have not enough sleep, an unclear housing future, runaway chickens, failed jam, irritated neighbors, and a small child screaming. And I just burned the crap out of dinner.

FFS.

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love's rocks

Dive Today

Tomorrow you'll be brave, you say? Fool! Dive today
From the cliff of what you know into what you can't know.
You fear the rocks? Better men than you have died on them;
Dying on Love's rocks is nobler than a life of death.

- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi


These words - I don't know what they mean, practically speaking. How does one die on love's rocks. What does that even mean. And still, I like them.

And, in mundane unrelated news, my landlords informed me a couple days ago they are selling this house. This morning, they are having a yard sale. It is supposed to start at 9, but people have been slogging up the driveway since 7:45. That's all. Not good, not bad, just a little slice of what is going on today, over here, where I have no idea which love rocks I'm supposed to die on, and I'm pretty sure none of these people in my driveway would either, should I ask.

_____________________________________________-

broken cup

As far as I know, only one person from my actual area knows about this blog. So I'm not posting this to drum up business or any of that. Just that I finished this, this long epic slog that was nearly abandoned many many times, that was rescued and remedied and cheered on by many people who read this blog - most notably bev, dan, and carolyn. Actually, without Bev's technical assistance, I most certainly would have trashed it. Practical assistance and cheerleading with good purpose.

So, getting in just before the two year mark - www.brokencupcatering.com


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man.

I was looking for something else in my email archives, and found a long interchange between a friend and I, from the two months After. Man. Here, my July people, and my Saturday people in this Good Friday world: it is sweet, and maybe it will help.

love, i find i have been looking up the etymological derivations of words like "faith" in hopes of finding any answers, any possible wisdom. but, as you can imagine, as you Know - the way in front is foggy. the dictionary does not yield gems for me today, nothing to pass on to you and make this more bearable.

it is unbearable.

and yet, you are Here. not 15 years ago, not 5 years from now - but, you, in your beauty and aliveness, are here. and so maybe faith isn't anything but a moving hand or a beating heart. it isn't out there. in the same way that dogs don't love because they ARE love, we can't have faith because we ARE faith. which is to say, one plodding foot put down after the other.

there is nowhere to go, just as you say. and even if i can't really make out what the fuck God was thinking to make all this happen, I thank God all the same for you.


______________________________

103

One week from today
by day of week, not date.

I didn't think it was affecting me.

I was wrong.








and this
-----------------

~

I am having a shitty
lonely
painful
day
and it is barely 9 o'clock.