Tuesday, September 7, 2010

free thought

I know you are free, my love.
I am glad.
I am not. Not free, I mean. I know, if you can, you are trying to hold on to me.

I know you are free, and I love you. Even in this, 'cause that's how I roll.

I got the sh*t end of the stick, it seems, and I hate to be so bitter and not see any good. The good is, you are free. Except you were here too. I hope you know where you are, and are having a really cool time. If you aren't at all you anymore, where would the fun be in this adventure for you? I am trying to still be me, and that is way harder than it seems.

I am thinking of you. Hope you are picking that up, out there where everything is thought. (at least I think it is).


  1. Some people say "life is sh*t, and then you die". But they know diddly-squat. They should try "Life is wonderful, and then you die" - now that is where the pain lies. There is no bl**dy good in that whatsoever as far as I can see.

  2. I am beginning to think that I got the raw end of the deal too. I never thought I'd say this at the beginning, but it is actually worse for me. He's free. I'm left with all the pain and alone.

  3. This makes me wonder what freedom is really all about. We are free to love who we choose to love, but someone else, namely God, is free to take them away. Again, the raw end of the deal.

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  5. Yeah - life is wonderful, then it gets ripped to shreds. Life is beautiful and awesome, then death happens, and so what if the world is beautiful? Raw raw end of the deal. I feel so bad that he does not get to enjoy the life he loved here, and to be loved by me, here. I think he got cheated too. But he is off on this adventure, while I am still here stuck in this one that is not any fun at all. Dan - especially when we have worked so hard, learned so much, and finally have become such a true team, and then WHAM.

    I often feel like both of us completed karmic life things - had come so deeply into our own centers in so many ways, but only he got to actually die, and I have to live another lifetime within this one or something. Like I had to get reborn without getting to go on home in between. To my mind, it would have made far more poetic sense for us both to go, if he had to.

    thanks for being here everyone

  6. i often wonder if he'd be doing better or worse than me, a year'n'somethin out. not in any kind of competitive way. but in the way of i'm pretty sure he loved me more than i loved him, at least at the time he got sick. so would he hurt more than this? kind of unthinkable, and i wouldnt wish that on anyone. but he was more uncomplicated than me, i think. in a positive way. took things as they were, didn't stress if they weren't what he had thought they were gonna be. hey, it is what it is, right. uh, yeah. right. so would that attitude have made dealing with my death easier than me dealing with his? as i am always (still, apparently) beating at the walls of things with my fists, trying to make them different through sheer force of will. which isn't exactly working for me right now. so i wonder, who got the short end of the stick? like is he really watching me take our daughter to college, without him? does he see the pain we are enduring because of his loss. i really hope NOT, because, if so, that is killing him in heaven, or the stratosphere, or where-the-fuck-ever he is. at least as much as it is killing me, here in this godforsaken world, to be doing all these things without him. or is it all energy and love, and if so, how does that translate here to us stuck in the mud,traffic, and pain of this world with only a few glimpses of blue sky and dry land to keep us even trying to move forward.

    i got nothin. anybody?