Um.
I just gave notice to my landlords. After 8 years of living here, I will be packing up and clearing out. 8 weeks from now, this place will be empty and cleaned, and I will close the door on the place we lived. Your ashes are scattered in the garden. The chicken coop you built has been empty now for a couple of years. Things are changing. Things have been changing.
I have lived in this house longer than I have lived anywhere this whole life. Crazy. I left this house on a bright sunny day in July of 2009 and came home several hours later as a completely different person, with a completely different life. This house held our life, and it held that new life too. The walls and the floors have absorbed screaming and crying and vomiting. I have dragged myself across these floors, hauled myself up, leaned on the counters. I have stood in the shower, sobbing, remembering you there. I have laid in this living room, retching and convulsing. I have screamed where no one could hear me. We lived here. And it is time to go.
As great as it is - no. As hard as this is, as insane and stunning and painful - as hard as it is, the new life is calling. It won't let me do it gradually now. Heck, I've had a LOT of "gradual." Just that now, it's real. Now, packing begins. Not just for hoping I'll get out of here sometime soon, but because it is now.
Deeeeeeeeep breath.
.
My love to you. You're so courageous. And inspiring. And again, your writing is so powerful.
ReplyDeletewhere are you going? staying in the area or moving completely away? my wish is for a peaceful move. my hope is for a brighter new life wherever you land. and remember, there is always a redefining of the word "gradual." i wish you peace.
ReplyDeletetemporary perch a couple hours away for a few months to save some money. And then, insh'allah, across the country.
DeleteStep by step. I am doing the same thing, no departure date yet, but it's coming. Hard to let go of "stuff" but need to put it behind, find out what's out there. Could be so easy to sit in this same space, stare out the window at the world, and call that my life. Good luck in your new life, wherever it is calling you. Keep writing. Thank you.
ReplyDelete