Box mania!
I started packing yesterday. It's funny - I do all this, do everything really, with an eyebrow raised at the sky, wary and untrusting. I believe nothing until it actually, tangibly happens. The most solid and seemingly blessed of events, choirs of angels singing and signs aligning - they mean nothing. The Universe does as she chooses, and gives no reliable hints as to what Her aim might be. I take action, hoping Her will works well for me. This time. That I do actually get to go where I'm heading, that things unfold as I hope. As I need. But I trust nothing.
It's not negative - I'm not pouting. I'm not refusing to act. I just raise an eyebrow. At the sky. And keep on packing.
But first, I began to unpack. There are boxes of things from the other house, boxes from our life. Boxes of dishes and silverware, little elements. Things that a friend boxed up for me in the weeks After. In fact, I can tell the exact dates: dishes wrapped in newspapers marked August 1, 2009. Scenes of life, from then. I am curiously un-emotional. Focused. Detached, maybe. Keeping these things will not keep him close. If I didn't know this stuff was in there, I wouldn't know it was gone. For the most part.
Wheels are turning. Clocks are ticking. Long-distance tentacles reaching out. The bottom seems to have fallen out of a sure-thing project - more frequent skeptical and questioning glances in the general direction of the Universe. Things are in motion. More will be revealed. Eyes on the prize, as they say. The packing continues.
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I don't have much trust in anything anymore - no trust in life, or that things will go according to plan. In fact, I've come to expect the unexpected. Most journeys have a hundred forks in the road. The trick is in going with what feels right at each fork - and to trust yourself as you decide which way to dodge. So much of this is a state of mind - of realizing that maybe there is no one set course that needs to be followed, and that so much of life is in flux anyhow. We just do the best with what we can. Staying still can be okay for awhile, but it's just an illusion. The future is a moving target. When one stepping stone gets old, it's probably time to move on to the next. There are some good things to be said about all of this stuff -- it's hard to appreciate what could be good about it while it's happening, but later on, the value becomes clear. I know I'm not telling you anything that you haven't already figured out. Take what you've learned and run with it.
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