Wednesday, May 9, 2012


I wish you were here to celebrate with me. To be proud of me. Yes, even to tease me a little, and you totally would. I wish we had visited my friend K in the Before. You two would have had so much to talk about. His wife and I would have been off talking about plants and medicine, and the two of you would have been out in the recording studio. You would have learned so much and loved it.

K is doing the sound mastering on the demo program. We haven't actually spoken in 24 years. But there are some people who are just always your friend, you know? Right. Like your friend who I called the day After, and she answered the phone, "MATTY!" and I had to say no. No. I am so sorry. I am so sorry to have to tell you this. I told her how you'd said that if you didn't see her for ten years, you'd still consider her a good friend, that your relationship was just like that. I'm glad I had something to share with her. For everyone I called, I tried to have some memory to share with them, some time you had mentioned them to me. I don't even really remember that blur, the people I had on my list, your son having the other half of your phonebook to call. I only remember her, and now don't even remember her name. But anyway, I think of this as I am talking to K, when I tell him how we are always friends, even 24 years between hearing the others' voice.

You would have loved him babe, and he, you. But for now, he is the first person I have shared this project with. It is so sweet and so good to feel loved like this, to have such tangible, actual support. So often, I am in my own mind, finding my own way, garnering my own support. It's interesting to hear his feedback about me, about my voice and my words, to hear some things echoed that I heard in the Before. It is weird to know I'm still here, even in this, with this.

Well, now I am just rambling. Normal for me, I know. I wish you were here to celebrate with me, be proud of me, tease. And I wish I could hear the recordings you and K got to make in the recording studio and give you that same pride and celebration. I never was much of a teaser.