I was going to start a little notebook of daily beautiful things, but maybe I will do that here for a bit. I seem to post a lot of pain and badness, so goodness is nice. Some days (like the last three), the best thing I can say about a day is that the sky might be beautiful, but wtf difference does that make. Today is better (see #1), and I still have to live here, apparently, for now, so it will help me to find something beautiful. As a practice.
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* The incredible dream, early this morning. That dream may have saved my life today. I didn't wake up courting death, but I sure did go to bed that way. Beautiful, awesome, powerful, full of love dream. Thank you, my love. Right on. It has made me light all day.
* The massive happy dance our dog did when I got home this afternoon. A dance I have only seen twice since That Day.
* Coming home from our afternoon walk, thinking of the giant hawk who lives in the tall dead tree, coming into the driveway just in time to see her, lifting off said tree, hovering overhead for several seconds, then flapping off slowly into the woods.
* Louis the still affectionate, but far too big for close cuddling, bull calf. We have to do chin scratches from outside the gate now, but his face is just awesome - big goofy underbite and tiny little horns.
* The elegant, Dutch-made wooden cheese press loaned to me by the farm owners, along with an additive I needed to make cheese.
* Being home with our beasts, and bedtime not far off.
I'm glad you had such a good dream. NIghts are rough and I must admit, I've toyed with the idea of addiction to something that will obilterate the pain some evenings. But I never get that far.
ReplyDeleteBut we will both make it through this pain.
I never get there either. I think it. And then it is just so not me that I don't get there. I am a no-anesthetic type girl, sometimes to a fault.
ReplyDeleteWe will make it through. To what end, and why, who knows.
Oooh! Just as I was thinking how small beautifulneses count - I looked outside and there is said big hawk, perched in her tree, hunting squirrels.
They do say it is a good practice, (gah! I typed god practice, heh) and that to notice what is good is to invite and make room for more good --ness. It is awfully hard some days, like even to WANT goodness, because, who cares, really. The dark world view is just way too apt but yet does not really help. For me. Feels kind of cozy to me but only in a fuck-my-life way. Wrapped up in a blanket but it is a cold wet blanket....
ReplyDeleteI do have probably way too much appreciation for clouds than is strictly necessary. But they are my only companions (besides Dog & Cat. oh, and what Birds are left) lots of days, and that is just the way I like it.
I also had a very wonderful dream, it may have been the same night. Interesting. Maybe they carpooled. Hey you going down that way...?
I think only people like us would understand when I say it WAS NOT ME DREAMING HIM. It was HIM VISITING ME. I am sure of it. No doubt in my mind. He kissed me in dreaming. A few times. I woke up with my lips still pursed in sweetness, and instantly started to cry. Damn.
Still walking through it with you, even if we never see each other.
love, c
clouds, yes. Nearly walked out of TJ's today when a song from before came on and I started to freak out. Even seeing the hawk several times today has not lifted the "want to die now, that would be great" feeling. The whirlwind whiplash of connection vs. beaten to shreds is just so much.
ReplyDeleteI keep driving by suppa thinking I should go, missing it, and also feeling like I cannot handle it. They should start delivery service, I think.
They carpooled. I love that. They have things in common, so maybe they are hanging out.