Sunday, September 23, 2012



I have kicked butt these last weeks.
Not easy, in fact quite a lot of painful
on the floor, knocked down again type things.
but I have been released from some energy drains
have let go of things that only brought frustration
or more pain.
It's weird to not have bees on the to-do list
the habitual thought of needing to get over there
replaced quickly with relief at no-I-don't.
          the sadness at digging up the garden
          is replaced by renewed irritation
          and such readiness to be done
          thank you fall woodchuck for reminding me
          by eating every last green thing
          that had recovered from your previous assault
          another carload of things to goodwill
          including all the business forms and
          professional checkbook ledgers
          (the pages with your handwriting removed before the rest went in the box)
          your old reel fishing poles, not used in many years
          because fly fishing had become your favorite
          clearing out the chest freezer
          I stood at the sink
          holding on to the counter
          while hot water rinsed away the contents
          of the last ice cream we bought together
          a heart left in stark relief while the rest of it melted away

          I have done good work, clearing out this place.


  1. *

    "replaced quickly with relief at no-I-don't"
    SO happy to read that.

    "Such readiness to be done" <--a good feeling

    and "on the floor": such simple small words to describe what we know all too well as neither simple nor small. feelings.

    been there.

    1. thought flashed of taking a photo of the ice cream heart. floor was much more appropriate direction at that moment though. <3

  2. Oh, how well i know that feeling of relief when the load is lightened somewhat.
    The best part is that it brings freedom and makes it possible to follow new paths.

    You did good!

    1. I did. Peeling things off, lightening.

  3. My life is a carbon copy of yours....been to goodwill, habitat and lumber resale last week, and the freezer is empty and ready for a new home. I keep reminding myself it's only stuff, let it all go. The list gets smaller, then more added to it, never ending. Keep reminding myself this too shall pass. Keep lightening the load, keep moving on, to where? that remains to be seen. Good luck to you.

    1. I have to keep reminding myself that it is the man I miss, Our Life I miss. That holding on to things is not, or wasn't, the way we lived. Doesn't make it better.
      Good luck to you too Cathy.

    2. and - your love was a builder? Guessing by the habitat and lumber resale. I have matt's giant ladder still at the back of the house. Hoping it will go to a builder friend. Now that thing I know I can't take.

    3. Yes, he was a builder, we built/remodeled many homes. Still purging here, more loads to Habitat this week, we are becoming good friends. It does get easier to let it all go, I do feel better at seeing the space. Thanks for responding.

  4. i see you at the sink crying and feel your pain.
    know that pain. i took dan's hot sauce from the fridge with me. how long can i keep these things...they're all i've got...

    1. was thinking of you and your move. I knew I couldn't move the ice cream. Even if I tried, which I did briefly contemplate. I also got rid of his jar of mayo, some leftover building materials from an old job. I couldn't toss the can of his coffee in the freezer, or the bottle of chile sauce in the fridge. Are they coming across the country with me? I don't know. These little evidences of existence - how else do I say he was here?

  5. such painful work done with great courage Megan...*