Friday, March 23, 2012


Is it horrible that this annoyed me:

Okay, annoyed maybe isn't the right word. Wait. Yes it is. Their story isn't my story, and while I am glad that their son lived, I can't deny my reaction. I don't want to know how prayers and meditations miraculously healed someone. I want to know how someone who has lived their life with prayers and meditations, with practices and trust, lives with the fact that the one they love DID NOT SURVIVE. Nine million prayers for his survival that day would have not done a thing if he was not meant to live. I don't think that focused meditation can change an outcome. Nine trillion people praying and focusing while the wardens searched for matt would not have made that outcome different than it was.

It is so easy to say that god was by your side when things work out. It is so easy to say that your prayers and meditation made the shift. It is so easy to trust in divine goodness, in the reassurances of the Mother when difficult things turn out right. Turn out - right. When things turn out wrong, does that mean your prayers weren't enough? That only if your practice had been stronger, this would be alright? Such hubris. That equation isn't even wrong.

I need the stories of how you live, with smashed and broken faith, knowing that your prayers for certain outcomes are misplaced. The stories that I need to hear are the ones where you find a way to live in a world that isn't right, and no amount of prayers or meditations can make it right. Where you find a way to live without turning bitter and angry or just lost; without manufacturing a meaning that isn't there, without becoming a falseness to yourself. Everything does not always Turn Out Alright. I need to hear some people with deep faith show me how you live with that.



  1. Ugh I have the same frustrations! You are so right, it's soooo easy to believe when things work out...try being in our shoes. I hate it when those people make it sound like God was on their side that day. What about us? Ugh.

    When you find out how to live through this without being bitter let me know!

  2. sometimes it does not turn out alright. sometimes you can do everything right and still lose. you can be gentle and decent and pray and pray and your 19 week old baby takes his nap and doesn't wake up. you can pray and pray that the slamming of the car door doesn't mean he is in a bad mood and might hurt you that night, but he does hurt you. you can pray and pray, saying thank you for sending you a Dragon of a man who loves you like you've always wanted to be loved, and then straddle him, giving him CPR that fails all the while praying for him to breathe. and when you watch the life leave his eyes; when you see him die right in front of you, underneath you as you keep giving him CPR, you change the words of your prayer to "please let him be safe. please let him be happy." and also "please don't let him forget he once loved me." you pray, as he leaves you behind, that you have the strength to face a world that is cruel and cold.

    but you still pray because you need (S)omeone in your life who has promised to always be there. you believe in that (S)omeone, not for what He can do for you, but simply because, always, even when you were a little kid, you never felt alone when you spoke to Him. you pray to Him because, for just a little while, you DID have a Dragon who loved you, and you DO have two children who love you and are there for you. you do pray because there was a "witness" to the woman who hit your car the other day and kept her from leaving the scene of the accident while calling the police for you. you pray because if you look hard enough, some tiny, tiny miracles of your very own have happened to you that maybe were guided, maybe not, but you say, "thank you" just in case. because, for a time, you were happy.

    life sucks. and blows. to each his own. whatever you believe or don't believe is all up to you. i believe in talking to the people who stay in your life for the long haul ----- whether they are visible with the naked eye or not. i have lost and lost and lost, but i still lay in bed each night, turn off the light and talk to God. and each morning, when i wake up crying, having to face another long, hard, lonely day, i speak to God, then too. i have just always sort of believed He cared about me, and that He cried right along with me when i did.

    it's just something i do. not habit. it comforts me. have my prayers been answered? no, not exactly as i prayed them. have i lost almost everything that has ever meant something to me? most definitely yes. am i bitter? i sometimes feel like i am and i try not to be. i know of others who have it rougher and i don't want to seem ungrateful for the good that has come my way. have i lost faith? i've wobbled. i've been shaken and knocked down to my knees in the dirt. i've been so very afraid of the dark of my own personal grief. have i really, truly lost my faith?


    but that's just me.

    1. because, always, even when you were a little kid, you never felt alone when you spoke to Him

      Thank you susan. I needed that.

    2. i'm glad i could help in some small way. i'm always out here for you. i wish you peace.

  3. i have no apparent faith, so i cannot help with these questions. but i also find it the HEIGHT OF ARROGANCE when people assume that what happened (anything) was what was supposed to happen, let alone that their wanting (anything) was what made it so. I don't have enough faith to be okay with "it (anything) was God's will". More's the pity, i guess.

  4. I love your honesty and ability to express it, Megan. The universe doesn't revolve around me, either, and it's unnatural for me to pray, unnatural to trust a God who is responsible for our pain. But yet, I do pray to God the Father through his son who loved me and gave himself for me. And I do trust, because I now know an inkling of the pain and the price he willingly paid to redeem me. He overcame death. He knows. He's an expert at resurrections. I look forward to a day when He will wipe away all my tears and death will no longer sting, the grave will have no victory. I'll be free, Home at last. I don't know how anyone can get through this any other way. The words of Jesus-- that he is the way, the truth, the life, mean more and more to me every day. That's the short story of how I live when life gets bloody and knocks me to my knees. And sometime it seems like God is there, but even when it doesn't, He still is. Because the universe doesn't revolve around me, my perceptions, or answers to my prayers---that's ok, God is with me.

  5. Thank you for this post. I too find it very difficult to deal with the arrogance of people who infer or outright say that they or a loved one survived because of their faith and prayers. Those of us who didn't experience miracles of survival are no less worthy, our faith no less strong, our prayers no less heartfelt. My faith survives, though sometimes I'm not that happy with God, but the arrogance of humans now sometimes shakes me to my core.

  6. I so understand this! I am still angry...prayers, spiritual life...well life altogether is different post-prayers not answered for me. *