Monday, January 16, 2012

is it time?

My step-son just left. Not unusual for him to show up after work - he works third shift, so if the phone rings at exactly 7 am, I know it's him. It has been so nice to have him here. He moved out of state very soon after his dad died, and in true 18 year old fashion, didn't keep in touch very well at all. I missed him. I prepared myself to live this life without him too - but we made it. He came back here this past summer, showed up relatively unannounced, carrying all his belongings, and looking for a job. He was going to move in upstairs here, but the landlords have been dragging their feet on renovations. He has a great job and just bought a new car.

Today, however, he came over to tell me he's moving out of state again, back to Virginia. I think it's alright. I'm going to miss him again. He's my buddy. My friend, as well as my kid. We talk about his dad all the time. We share so much. But this post isn't about Jake.

One of the reasons I have not let myself think about leaving here is that I can't leave with Jake living so close. It would be weird for me to move when he had finally moved in upstairs. It would be strange to have waited so long, only to leave once he comes back and gets established here again. But with this news,

With this news, maybe I have to

Maybe I have to start thinking of leaving this place too.

no no no no. This is where we lived. He is everywhere here. I do not WANT a life without him in it. We lived here. I do not WANT a "next chapter" in this life.

I am not ready to move. There is also Boris to think about. Here, if I leave for a bit, my folks are near enough to take him for a few days. He is getting older, and while he may be perfectly fine traveling or adjusting to a new place, I don't know that I have it in me to take that adjustment on without Matt here. Boris is 11 this year. It is twisted and bizarre to find myself thinking of what I might do when he is gone. Makes me think I am rushing our time here together, and I feel like a jerk. There is also truth that when he is gone, I will likely leave the country for awhile, join the peace corps or something similar. Just that thinking of that life implies -  more loss, more death, more things to go through without matt.

I also have visions of Bo and I just off on adventure, new places, new trips. We'd be fine, he and I, if we took off on adventure. It's just fear and sadness that hold me back, bracing myself against any calamity, and then the sadness that that bracing is now part of me.

And then I start to think about packing our home, about where the hell would I go anyway?, about change and distance, about everything.

It's all too much, so much. To even wonder what could be. What I know, what is and has been so quietly circling, is that this world has shrunk too small for me. There is no interest calling me; there is nothingness. But with this news from jake, and with my job winding down soon, I think it is time - maybe to just start wondering. Very very gently just start wondering.



  1. wondering . . . that's such a rich word . . . so many possibilities . . .

    1. one of my teachers/mentors used it long ago -"wonder is a better fuel than outrage or disappointment...."

  2. i like the phrase, "gently wondering..." thanks.