There is a movie in my instant queue called "the loss of nameless things." I haven't watched it yet, but I like the title.
The things I have lost in me don't have names anyone would recognize. I get afraid even I will cease to recognize them, the feeling of them, with or without their names. That sucks.
And something I realized this morning, which does have a name:
I lost my ability to imagine good things.
I don't imagine bad things, I just don't imagine. At all.
The loss of interest in imagining - I don't think that loss can be named.
.
Read your previous post below, this morning, and it brought up the same feelings in me, ( http://throughawidowseyes.wordpress.com/) and now here you are exploring it even deeper. I just miss who I (we) used to be in the world. It sucks majorly. And it does not end. And that sucks too.
ReplyDeleteLately, I've been trying to sort out some of the things about me that have changed. True, some things are the same, but some are radically different. Some of the things that both of you have mentioned and I'm adding to the list here.
ReplyDelete* Losing the ability to imagine good things.
* Unable to imagine things will turn out okay.
* Automatically assuming that things are going to go badly - especially anything medical.
* Have a hard time looking forward to an event in the future -- in fact, have a hard time even visualizing the future.
* Afraid to make an emotional investment in almost any kind of venture or relationship (survival mechanism, I think).
* Difficult to work on anything that takes a long time to finish as the future doesn't seem real anymore.
One other thing I have been experiencing and trying to sort out is a sort of hyperactivity - not able to stick with one task for any length of time. I jump from one thing to the next at lightspeed. It works at the old house in N.S. as I just keep a slew of jobs on the go and move from one to the other all day long, but I seem to have lost the ability to work on something with the intention of being done in a specific time period. Very odd for me as I was always super at executing crazy amounts of work always ahead of schedule. Now I can't trust myself anymore.
Yes, I miss who I once was and wonder who this new and rather unpredictable person might be.
I so understand this. It touches me deeply...I'm in year 7 now and just beginning to imagine again...good things sometimes too...hugs - c
ReplyDelete