It used to be, in the Before, if I was feeling stressed or anxious, I could look around at my reality and root myself in it. Sweetheart, look: everything is fine. If it is ever not fine, you will deal with that then. My go-to way of calming down, of finding an anchor, is irrelevant and suspect now. I cannot look around and say that anything is fine. Reality is crazy. Reality is wrong.
Lately, I've been feeling completely upside-down, confused, waking up thinking this has all been a dream - really, not just wishful thinking - I'm forgetting where I am and where I've been. It's a bit like the early days: I leave myself notes to remember what day it is and what time I am supposed to be somewhere; I find myself thinking it's morning when Boris and I are out for an afternoon walk. I start to answer a question I've been asked and feel like I'm not making any sense. Part of all this mind muddledness is trauma, part of the picture of trauma. There are also lots of changes going on, new stressors, new uncertainties. I've started working full time hours for the first time in two years. But the biggest most huge thing of course is that this life is utterly entirely unreal. It's insane. It's not logical. It can't be real. Everyone going on about their lives, sun comes up, sun goes down, tra la la, it all just happens, and excuse me, but are you aware that matt DIED? It has been over two years I have lived in this insane reality. Of course I'm f-ing nuts.
I don't know why it's worse this week. The confusion and sense that I'm asleep and dreaming this has been so intense. The weirdness of the world, the discordance of all of everything - it's all just getting me. National Public Radio plays all day in the barn, so I hear more news in a day than I usually do in a month or more. Between the news stories on bath salts and reality tv in the Netherlands, I'm starting to feel like I'm living in a Jasper Fforde novel. No wonder I can't seem to get a grip on anything; the world's gone totally squiffy.
.
Today at work I was thinking about time. Time still doesn't really matter much to me. Time lacks meaning. I don't look forward to much, so no need to hurry. It's not that there is nothing for me. I do have the kids, and I do enjoy the folks I work with. Yet, I find that I drift from day to day without much to hold onto.
ReplyDeleteAt work I have been obsessed with doing the best work. Of doing the most work. And trying to shine the best I can. When I get home I too am often confused with what is going on around me, and what I should be doing, or what I might have planned to do. I keep telling myself, Dan, it's been almost two years, get with the fucking program. Yet, until something comes along an provides me with a new passion in life, I'll continue to glide around without much to tether me to life around me.
Love you Megan.
Dan
I am starting to suspect that this week has affected a few people with Really Bad Days.
ReplyDeleteI had a Really Bad Night on Wednesday. Like exit-strategy bad (don't stress, it was a 20 year plan for after the kids were grown). I haven't felt that way in almost a year. I spent today with my Mum who made the bad go away.
HUge Hugs. XA
I hear you on the weirdness of the world, Megan. A lot of what passes for "normal" these days, just weirds me out and makes me want to retreat. This week has also been difficult for me - and I am wondering if for you - because of the chaos caused by Hurricane Irene. We just got tsrong winds here, but I have friends in Vermont and Massachusetts who were posting links to photos and videos on FB, and I found my own reaction quite odd. for several days, I struggled with feelings of impending doom. I thought it had something to do with the timing - this being a bad week for me on a personal level, but then I really analyzed what thing was making me feel anxious and as though the world was out of control, and it was the hurricane that seems to have been the trigger - as if I needed something external on top of what is ticking away inside me. Anyhow, know that you are not alone in having times when nothing makes sense, and when reality seems messed up. I suspect that, in my own case, ad maybe in yours, ths is a form of PTSD. I have written on my blogs and elsewhere, that I seemed to get into weird states of mind if certain thngs happened - I got caught in a snowstorm - had to drive around areas near a hospital - went shopping n an unfamiliar store and found myself in the aisle wher they display all the food supplements for sick people, etc... I am noticeably better these days, but as recently as 6 months ago, certains sights and sounds, and being aroun a lot of people, could set me off on a weird trajectory that could last hours to days. I felt the retutn of some of that during and after the hurricane. I think that, for me, it was a sense of "loss of control" - a disturbing feeling that bothers me these days, as I understand so well how any notion that we are "in control" is purely an illusion. For most of us, we can go around pretending that we are in control, but for some of us, it is llike the curtain has been pulled open and we have discovered that there is a pathetic and nasty, pompous, mean-minded little wizard at the controls, sendin sh*t in our direction. I don't much like that feeling, and don't quite know what to do about it except learn to live almost recklessly and with abandon, knowing all the while that the sword of Damocles dangles over all our heads.
ReplyDeleteI think it good that you are identifying and analyzing your own recent feelings. I think it's important to take stock of why we feel the way we do at times. Once we understand what is going on, we can work through our feelings and find strategies to help us through the rough spots in the road.
Take care. bev
a quick early a.m. comment... A - I would never stress about your exit plan.
ReplyDeleteAnd dan - no tether, exactly. Thank you -
and bev - good point - even if I wasn't stressed about the hurricane, huge waves of panic energy flying all around me can certainly affect me. The general soup of panic.
ReplyDeletewith all the positive crap that floats around out there about dealing with grief, i'm glad to see someone else rowing the same boat out here in this ocean of confusion, exhaustion, and disorientation. like minds you and i. i'm working so hard i can't see straight but then my down time is spent wondering what the hell to do, how to live ~ really live ~ and not just exist. my smile us fake. laughter sounds hollow. it's all pretense. i'm lost without him.
ReplyDeletei wish you peace.
And just when I'm feeling the same, I realise I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteBeen a rubbish week (in amongst many rubbish weeks).
Love from London. HB
oh man i am so with you people. it is really hard right now. --and right at this moment as i am typing i realize the song playing is RT's Tear Stained Letter, which is all part of our story, Jeff's & mine.
ReplyDeletesusan - darn tootin'. No puppy dogs and rainbows over here. Can't put a high gloss on suckage.
ReplyDeleteyes. all of it.
ReplyDelete