Heart, you are lost; but there's a path
From the lover to the soul, secret
But visible. Worlds blaze round you –
Don't shrink: the path is secret, but yours.
- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi
I have been to the beach where I yelled really vulgar obscenities at god. And then apologized. And then cried. And then just told god I need a purpose to be here. A purpose that means something to me, an actual one, not a tacked-on busywork purpose that some other person thinks would be just great. Just saying that, I felt better. Who knows why.
I don't think having a purpose is the same as having a "reason" for living this. No "reason" is going to make this right. There is no grand hurrah, no time when I will say "oh, well then, clearly I had something to do that could not have been done without sudden accidental death going on, so as long as there's a reason, everything is alright." I just know that waking up and breathing around aimlessly in a day, any day, with nothing that means anything to me - that's not life, for me.
Done at the beach, I got in the car with the tired out dog, turned on the radio to hear the end of a talk show wherein the speaker said, "so he had this really great thing, this real mountain top experience, and then he slammed into really not so good experience, and the path was gone, he suffered, and then here, in the story, he was recommissioned by god." I liked it. No idea what that could possibly mean at all, for me, to be recommissioned. And certainly, I don't feel any "recommissioning" going on. I feel like I need to make disclaimers to the universe - You recommission me into something stupid and I will not be happy.
In really bad moments, I feel like hope in being recommissioned is flaky fantasy, unrealistic, and unlikely. Like I have been thrown so backwards that I can't possibly hope to have life of the quality and goodness I had; there is no continuation from here. But I can't be here without that hope that something - something real - will be here for me, not instead, but while. I have to look for it, or listen for it. Believe myself that I will be recommissioned. That there will be a path, true for me, secret but visible.
ps - commission : mid-14c., "authority entrusted to someone," from L. commissionem (nom. commissio) "delegation of business," noun of action from pp. stem of committere (see commit). Meaning "body of persons charged with authority" is from late 15c. Recommission: "back, again" + commission. .