There was a new post, but I took it down. Posting this in case anyone saw the title for the deleted post, and was concerned about crimes going on over here. There was another crime here yesterday (the second in a month, after five years of nothin'), but it wasn't violent, no one got hurt, the guy was arrested, it didn't directly involve me, and everything is alright.
Well, of course, not everything. But in the realm of crime, everything is alright.
Monday, September 13, 2010
now it's just getting weird: crime spree
I have lived here for five years, plus a month. In those five years, there has not been any crime here that I've known about, other than a few homeless folks camping in their tents in the woods, and I have no problem with them. Sunday morning, early, I was taking boris to the dog park around the corner. There is construction going on next door to my house, where the violent crime of a few weeks ago happened. As we walked by, we got out of the way of someone trying to move the giant truck full of concrete building pavers. I said to the dog, oh, he does not look like he knows what he's doing, we should probably just cross the street. As we walked, I watched the guy drive over the curb and bump out into the road. He stopped in the middle of the intersection, grinding the gears, stalling the truck, then getting it restarted. He did this every few feet. I noticed that one of the big straps used to hold the load secure was dragging under the massive tires, and whenever he would try to move forward, the truck would skid, stuck on said straps. So one of the stalled-in-the-road times, I went over to the side of the truck and waved at him. He just stared at me. So I went around to the driver's side, and he still just stared at me. I yelled, Roll down your window! He did, and I told him what the problem was, and maybe he should fix it, though (I said), maybe it doesn't matter. I have no idea.
Walking away, I was kind of laughing, thinking - I wonder if he's stealing that truck? Maybe he hotwired it, and that's why it keeps stalling. Nah. That would be silly. Then I was just messing around with myself, saying, well, if he IS stealing it, I probably should have really studied his face, in case I have to describe him to the cops. If he's stealing it, he must have wondered what the heck I wanted when I flagged him over. Citizen's arrest? Walking back, I saw the man had dropped a parcel of concrete pavers on the side of the road and just left it there. I figured, oh, maybe someone sent him over there to pick the truck up, as a favor, and he is just doing the best he can. He probably didn't even notice losing that side of the truck. I certainly know what it is like to be having a supremely bad day where nothing is going right. Felt kind of bad for the guy. Rough day.
This morning, I opened up the paper. And saw: man steals large construction vehicle loaded with concrete pavers. Officers have charged the man with operating under the influence, driving to endanger, and allegedly stealing the vehicle from a nearby construction site. No one was injured, and the man is being held at the county jail.
And what did I do, immediately? Picked up my phone to call matt, and tell him - hey! You know that guy I saw yesterday? He really WAS stealing that truck. And here I was, all Polly Helpful, pointing out ways he could make his get-away go far more smoothly.
So glad no one was hurt. I already feel kind of awful that I didn't call someone about suspicious driving behavior, but I did talk myself down on that one yesterday, thinking - what do I know, and I'm just being silly. Maybe big trucks are just really hard to drive. But if someone had been hurt, I don't think that would have gone down too well for me, that I saw it starting and didn't stop it. Thankfully, I do not need to go down that particular road. However, I will say, that if I see anybody driving and behaving oddly again, I will call the police. It was just sheer luck it was early enough on a Sunday that that guy didn't hurt anyone.
All of which to say - two crimes in less than a month, right next door to me seems just a wee bit silly. And, once again be so bummed that Matt is not here to shake his head at me and my "helpfulness."
Walking away, I was kind of laughing, thinking - I wonder if he's stealing that truck? Maybe he hotwired it, and that's why it keeps stalling. Nah. That would be silly. Then I was just messing around with myself, saying, well, if he IS stealing it, I probably should have really studied his face, in case I have to describe him to the cops. If he's stealing it, he must have wondered what the heck I wanted when I flagged him over. Citizen's arrest? Walking back, I saw the man had dropped a parcel of concrete pavers on the side of the road and just left it there. I figured, oh, maybe someone sent him over there to pick the truck up, as a favor, and he is just doing the best he can. He probably didn't even notice losing that side of the truck. I certainly know what it is like to be having a supremely bad day where nothing is going right. Felt kind of bad for the guy. Rough day.
This morning, I opened up the paper. And saw: man steals large construction vehicle loaded with concrete pavers. Officers have charged the man with operating under the influence, driving to endanger, and allegedly stealing the vehicle from a nearby construction site. No one was injured, and the man is being held at the county jail.
And what did I do, immediately? Picked up my phone to call matt, and tell him - hey! You know that guy I saw yesterday? He really WAS stealing that truck. And here I was, all Polly Helpful, pointing out ways he could make his get-away go far more smoothly.
So glad no one was hurt. I already feel kind of awful that I didn't call someone about suspicious driving behavior, but I did talk myself down on that one yesterday, thinking - what do I know, and I'm just being silly. Maybe big trucks are just really hard to drive. But if someone had been hurt, I don't think that would have gone down too well for me, that I saw it starting and didn't stop it. Thankfully, I do not need to go down that particular road. However, I will say, that if I see anybody driving and behaving oddly again, I will call the police. It was just sheer luck it was early enough on a Sunday that that guy didn't hurt anyone.
All of which to say - two crimes in less than a month, right next door to me seems just a wee bit silly. And, once again be so bummed that Matt is not here to shake his head at me and my "helpfulness."
Sunday, September 12, 2010
12th
I think this might be the first time the 12th has coincided with a sunday, since sunday july 12th 2009. I don't have it in me to look, and it doesn't matter. I feel so badly that I am not better at praying, or disciplined at all with meditation. I feel like I am not sending him enough love, not helping him enough on his journey, not realizing it is his journey, and I also am just so destroyed I can't, I try to pray and I end up vomiting. I used to be able to handle the enormity, and lately I cannot look at it at all. That's it. That's all. I know it will shift. Later, I will force myself to do yoga, I will possibly force myself to sit and pray, I will hurl myself at afternoon Mass, and this day will end. Maybe some goodness will come.
And in related/unrelated thoughts - I was thinking yesterday that we/I need a new word that means: "I don't have anything to say, what you wrote just really got me, and I feel so much, relate so much, and love you, and really don't have anything at all to say because there aren't any words in there that mean anything at all, and anything I actually type means pretty much nothing in comparison, plus I am crying too much to type."
Words are symbols anyway, right? Made me think of when Prince changed his name to some unreproducible character, and then had to be called "the artist formerly known as Prince." Can we come up with something that says all that, some new thing that refers back to all of that that doesn't have any word at all?
And in related/unrelated thoughts - I was thinking yesterday that we/I need a new word that means: "I don't have anything to say, what you wrote just really got me, and I feel so much, relate so much, and love you, and really don't have anything at all to say because there aren't any words in there that mean anything at all, and anything I actually type means pretty much nothing in comparison, plus I am crying too much to type."
Words are symbols anyway, right? Made me think of when Prince changed his name to some unreproducible character, and then had to be called "the artist formerly known as Prince." Can we come up with something that says all that, some new thing that refers back to all of that that doesn't have any word at all?
Friday, September 10, 2010
grouch
I notice that a lot of my comments on others' blogs sound... very angry. I did not used to be an angry person. These days, I am quite angry, and angry that I am now an angry person on top of that. So angry that life took the pretty decently happy, silly, peaceful, non-angry person I was and shoved me through the anger-maker, like a giant angry-sausage making machine. No one needed more anger in the world. I was a pretty good "force of love" before, even if useful only to myself. I ain't no "force of love" these days, and knowing that makes me feel even farther away from who I was when he was here, from our life. And it makes me feel even more crazy. This is not my world, this was not my world, what freaking planet IS this? Eh. I think I need to find something that makes me feel even a little bit like myself.
My time at the farm ended yesterday. I had been volunteering at a very dysfunctional farm, off and on, since March or so. A place where no social skills were required, which was good, because I have none. A place where the entire place is in constant, massive disarray, so there is always something to do. Since the anniversary, my interest in slogging out there has seriously waned. But I kept going. I was out there yesterday, picking tomatoes, pulling carrots, and just thought - oh, this is my last time out here. It wasn't a "thinking about whether I am done here or not" thought, it was a decision made for me, somewhere in me. And though the place is a constant vexation, I started feeling very sad to leave it, to say goodbye to all of it. I felt like I was saying goodbye to life, to ONE MORE THING that has to go. Which is silly, because this place was not part of our life before, I only found it After. But I think it is just the leave-taking, triggering off the Real Things. Time is moving along, and that is just sad. So many things that would have been easily let go of, with not even a thought, are suddenly massively precious.
Anyway, I am heading off to a dairy farm today to see if they need fall and winter help with their creatures. Working with animals was what I'd wanted from the start. For a brief time last winter, I worked on an alpaca farm, weighing babies, giving shots, holding animals down, breathing with them while they had little minor surgeries done. I felt like Me: sit here and breathe with this creature, and then go muck out that stall. Awesome. But the farm owners had just hired a young man to manage all the regular daily chores, and in deep winter, there wasn't much for me to do. Plus, I find alpaca a bit odd.
I think it's just that difference between non-human animals and plants - I often spent whole hours being pissy while weeding or trimming or planting. Then I would realize how pissy I was being, and choose to do something else, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. But animals require just that little bit more conscious attention, and I often notice this new angry person has been much quieter during that time I've been tending critters. I snap back into myself, without even noticing it. I only notice it after-the-fact, like - hey, I remember you. I am so sad, for me, for the me I used to be. Shit. I hadn't been crying, now I am. I need to make myself a list, as Dan did. Though I think I will call it "things that don't suck," because the angry person needs just that little bit of edge.
My time at the farm ended yesterday. I had been volunteering at a very dysfunctional farm, off and on, since March or so. A place where no social skills were required, which was good, because I have none. A place where the entire place is in constant, massive disarray, so there is always something to do. Since the anniversary, my interest in slogging out there has seriously waned. But I kept going. I was out there yesterday, picking tomatoes, pulling carrots, and just thought - oh, this is my last time out here. It wasn't a "thinking about whether I am done here or not" thought, it was a decision made for me, somewhere in me. And though the place is a constant vexation, I started feeling very sad to leave it, to say goodbye to all of it. I felt like I was saying goodbye to life, to ONE MORE THING that has to go. Which is silly, because this place was not part of our life before, I only found it After. But I think it is just the leave-taking, triggering off the Real Things. Time is moving along, and that is just sad. So many things that would have been easily let go of, with not even a thought, are suddenly massively precious.
Anyway, I am heading off to a dairy farm today to see if they need fall and winter help with their creatures. Working with animals was what I'd wanted from the start. For a brief time last winter, I worked on an alpaca farm, weighing babies, giving shots, holding animals down, breathing with them while they had little minor surgeries done. I felt like Me: sit here and breathe with this creature, and then go muck out that stall. Awesome. But the farm owners had just hired a young man to manage all the regular daily chores, and in deep winter, there wasn't much for me to do. Plus, I find alpaca a bit odd.
I think it's just that difference between non-human animals and plants - I often spent whole hours being pissy while weeding or trimming or planting. Then I would realize how pissy I was being, and choose to do something else, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. But animals require just that little bit more conscious attention, and I often notice this new angry person has been much quieter during that time I've been tending critters. I snap back into myself, without even noticing it. I only notice it after-the-fact, like - hey, I remember you. I am so sad, for me, for the me I used to be. Shit. I hadn't been crying, now I am. I need to make myself a list, as Dan did. Though I think I will call it "things that don't suck," because the angry person needs just that little bit of edge.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
free thought
I know you are free, my love.
I am glad.
I am not. Not free, I mean. I know, if you can, you are trying to hold on to me.
I know you are free, and I love you. Even in this, 'cause that's how I roll.
I got the sh*t end of the stick, it seems, and I hate to be so bitter and not see any good. The good is, you are free. Except you were here too. I hope you know where you are, and are having a really cool time. If you aren't at all you anymore, where would the fun be in this adventure for you? I am trying to still be me, and that is way harder than it seems.
I am thinking of you. Hope you are picking that up, out there where everything is thought. (at least I think it is).
I am glad.
I am not. Not free, I mean. I know, if you can, you are trying to hold on to me.
I know you are free, and I love you. Even in this, 'cause that's how I roll.
I got the sh*t end of the stick, it seems, and I hate to be so bitter and not see any good. The good is, you are free. Except you were here too. I hope you know where you are, and are having a really cool time. If you aren't at all you anymore, where would the fun be in this adventure for you? I am trying to still be me, and that is way harder than it seems.
I am thinking of you. Hope you are picking that up, out there where everything is thought. (at least I think it is).
Friday, September 3, 2010
in the hatch
Reading a comment from someone on Widow's Voice, who signed it "widow. Day 156."
It is a bit of a siege, isn't it.
Sometimes I feel like Desmond, in that first season of Lost (sorry - geekness slipping out here): down there in the hatch, with his highly structured routine of some kind of health shake / healthy diet, followed by a workout, keeping his creative intellect alive with music and reading, being "fit" even though there was nowhere to go and no way of knowing how long he would have to stay there, or if any world even existed outside of that hatch - all with the one goal of being relieved of duty so he could rejoin his love. He just had to not let the world blow up before he could get there. Just that one thought - must get home.
...Keep vision of my love alive in me. Must get home. Must do job while here. Must keep self from going crazy and letting world blow up. Keep heart connected. Home is somewhere. Do job while here that may or may not mean anything at all. Must get home.
It is a bit of a siege, isn't it.
Sometimes I feel like Desmond, in that first season of Lost (sorry - geekness slipping out here): down there in the hatch, with his highly structured routine of some kind of health shake / healthy diet, followed by a workout, keeping his creative intellect alive with music and reading, being "fit" even though there was nowhere to go and no way of knowing how long he would have to stay there, or if any world even existed outside of that hatch - all with the one goal of being relieved of duty so he could rejoin his love. He just had to not let the world blow up before he could get there. Just that one thought - must get home.
...Keep vision of my love alive in me. Must get home. Must do job while here. Must keep self from going crazy and letting world blow up. Keep heart connected. Home is somewhere. Do job while here that may or may not mean anything at all. Must get home.
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